The 'B' word...

In my personal exercises of conquering a letter every day, I find today extremely difficult. Today is the letter 'b'.  For this woman, the 'b' word in my life is 'Bipolar.'

Bipolar to me is like a carnival ride that I can't get off of or the spikes on a heart rate monitor. The highs and lows are atrocious. 

Unlike an alcoholic or a drug addict who might be in recovery or be sober, there is no word to validate my state of mind. I use the word 'stable.'  Stable to me signifies that I've managed to live a relatively normal life and I haven't been hospitalized. My stability has lasted since April of 2011. I take it one day at a time and pray that today will be another day to add to that timespan. 

I struggle with the bouts of mania and depression. You never know from day to day or week to week, which one is going to try and take control. It's up to me not to let it. 

I control my symptoms with a strict regimen of drugs, that I take like clockwork. I often worry about the long term effects, but I know the alternative to not taking them. 

I have a responsibility to the people around me to be accountable and to keep myself as healthy as possible, even if I often feel like I am a walking pharmacy. 

The side effects from some of the prescriptions are brutal and often make you consider to throw in the towel, but I'm too stubborn. 

I live in a state that is one of the lowest in the nation for mental health assistance for it's residents. I find that deplorable. 

I surround myself with people who are in my life for the right reasons. My beautiful family who attempts to understand when mom is having a tough time. I go to the same therapist that I've had for over four years and who by now, knows me well. 

If you are reading this and are in need of help, please comment or message and we will send you the appropriate numbers and information. You are not alone!

Now, off to find tomorrow's 'C' word...